In 1999,  TLC dropped their hit single “no scrubs” and 2 decades later women are still referencing that song when it applies. But is there more to it than just 1 half being broke? And, more importantly, are there answers to this dilemma?

Balance is key to absolutely everything in life but in relationships, it’s often the case that finding balance is a struggle. Bridging relationship gaps is never easy but when the gap is one person earning more than the other? It’s a tough one. It’s even harder when it’s your boyfriend making less money than you – and it’s hard because of what society has to say about it. 

We’re born into a world where we’re taught that men should be the breadwinners and so if it’s the woman bringing more into the relationship financially, it creates an imbalance in the eyes of her boyfriend (insert I.N.D.E.P.E.N.D.E.N.T – DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? ). It’s super normal for couples to have issues but if he’s been raised in the traditional sense, where the man is a supposed provider, it can cause some friction. The first thing to know about that is that it is not your issue!

Many women will find themselves feeling like they have done something wrong if they are in a relationship with someone who earns less. This leads to women adjusting their roles, their lives and their feelings to pull themselves beneath their boyfriend, and it is something that has got to be avoided. Your earning potential is a direct reflection of your ambition, your effort and your hard work, and a boyfriend who is worthy of you is one who will never make you feel less than. They will never make you feel like it’s a problem that you earn more.

If he earns less than you, that’s also okay! As long as your relationship is equitable in terms of what you both bring to it, it doesn’t all have to come down to finances. You earning more is also not a reason to make their life hard or see them as the person who is less than. In fact, you should be both working together on a solution that makes you both comfortable. Sometimes, it is a non-issue; you both have different financial pathways and as long as that doesn’t become a contentious issue you can largely ignore it. Of course, if you want to plan a future together then finances will still come up at some stage. It may not be in the early days but ideally your boyfriend would treat you with as much respect and regard if you earn more than he does, as you would him if the roles were reversed. 

The thing to remember is that society doesn’t generally look down on women who earn less than men. It’s as if it’s expected for you to not be the breadwinner, and you should accept it. However, society and the world are very much changing. Women are being elevated and lifted to the same positions as men – not as quick as we’d like, mind you – but we’re getting to the top of our ladders and we’re driving change. Increasing your income is a reflection of that and it’s not a deal breaker to have someone in your life who earns less than you do. So, here are some tips to bridge any gaps as a result of finances being unequal.

1. Come to an agreement over expenses. Some people choose to base their expenses for the home on a percentage of income, but to make it equitable in a relationship where you are living together and/or sharing children, the best thing to do is to pool all money into one pot. From here, all bills and rent is paid (joint and personal) and the rest is divided 50/50. Even if one of you earns more,  you both contribute to the house, you both clean it and you both raise the kids together. This way, it doesn’t matter what each of you earns – it’s equal.
2. Be equal in money management talks. As well as actually making money equal, you should consider ensuring that you manage it well. It doesn’t matter the income bracket you fall under, agree to discuss big expenses. If one of you is terrible with money management you can’t expect the other person to keep paying out for you. Working with each other to meet a financial planner will help you both to make sure that money doesn’t become a huge issue.
3. Work on yourself. If your boyfriend is earning less money than you, you will have to work on yourself to ensure that you don’t make them feel bad for it. Your experiences, ambitions and career paths may lead you to higher incomes, but theirs may not. It’s okay as long as they’re happy, and they may not have any particular desires to go further than they are now. Be patient with them and keep remembering what you do. They will only earn more if they want to.
4. Lay off any nagging. It’s super tempting to want to push your partner to be better and earn more but it’s not going to help them or you. In fact, it will drive a wedge and show them that you don’t think that they are good enough for you because that’s exactly what you’re telling them. Of course, if they’re complaining about their money situation you can and should offer advice, but it doesn’t have to go down badly.

A partner making less than you doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. It all depends on your expectations for the future and what you want from a partner. The key is in ensuring that you are both equitable and feeling secure in the relationship. The problems arise when one of you doesn’t, and while that can be stressful, it’s not insurmountable. One day, they may earn more money and if you are expecting that to happen, it’s best to keep communication going and work together. Your relationship can be a success – as long as you don’t think that you can paper over any rising cracks!

Relationships take work and time, and money doesn’t have to poison the well with your blossoming romance.